Monday, December 28, 2009

How Long Until We All Fly Naked?

Yeah, one of the people I follow on twitter (go ahead, follow him, and he's totally adorable, too) said, “As for new flight security rules: I am wondering how much longer it will take until we all fly naked.”

I am wondering too. Because let’s face it, the just-instituted new TSA security rules are an epic fail, every moderately intelligent person who flies more than once a year can see that.

Delta x500

at Narita Airport, Japan

So, it’s either full-body scanners, which are expensive and you can expect them at a podunk-middle-of-nowhere airport in Borogravia (or Zlobenia) sometime around 2056 at the earliest. Or… flying naked, which would be much cheaper and infinitely more entertaining.

Or, and here’s a third alternative – paper jumpsuits and tranquilizer shots before the flight.
Now, wait a second and just imagine how convenient that solution would be!

Airlines could cut staff and save even more money, because if their passengers are unconscious (would we be called "cargo" then?), there’s no need for flight attendants. There would be no bitching over seat assignments. No need for overhead luggage bins – the space could be converted into additional passenger storage units.

There would be no need for food and drink service. No mess to clean up later - passengers would have to be fitted with Depends upon boarding (and frankly, with this new rule of no getting up during the last hour of the flight Depends might be something I’d have to consider – I have a bladder peanut-sized bladder).

Just imagine the cost cutting possibilities here! Instead, we get another set of moronic rules from the geniuses at TSA. No items in your lap during the last 60 minutes of the flight, including books and magazines. Brilliant! I want to know how they arrived at the conclusion that it’s possible to bring down a jetliner with a copy of Ladies Home Journal.

Luckily for me, I do not plan to travel to the US anytime soon.

PS. And for all those who think that those new TSA rules will improve our security, ha! Dream on people. Here's a photo of a non-functioning security gate and an abandoned hand-luggage scanner with absolutely no security personnel in sight at a certain international airport in Africa. And as it happens it was in Africa where that alleged Nigerian terrorist boarded the flight to Amsterdam.

Airport security 1

Photo taken in 2007, I don't think much has improved since then.

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